A November Remembrance

So the last time I wished Andy Rooney was still alive and available for a virtual interview about Republicans, Clint Eastwood was interviewing an empty chair up on stage in front of a bunch enthusiastic elderly white folks (and research shows at least half of ‘em were probably missing at least 50% of their teeth.) It was passed time for a reunion and a visit from Andy.

It’s now almost fourteen years since Andy passed away at age 92. With Rooney unavailable, President Biden leaving the 2025 race with VP Kamala Harris being subbed in with only 90 days to go, I doubted another heavenly consult was possible. But then the Trump-Harris debate happened and seemingly straight outta nowhere the old guy (who’d forgotten how to shake hands) for no explainable purpose shouted “They’re eating the dogs!” and everything changed (Later we’d learn “shooting the dogs could put you in charge of Homeland Security). All Rooney could say is no. All Souls Day was my best shot, with only three days remaining until the presidential election, I needed some mental and emotional support-physical wasn’t too far away.

And if anything could entice Andy Rooney back from the dead, it might be an old guy with swirling (not squirreling) hair, apricot kabuki makeup, and a big red tie yelling “They’re killing the dogs!” center stage on national TV.

I’ve been a Rooney/60 Minutes fan forever; always enjoyed his youthful curiosity, unique view of things, and his total distaste for solid gold BS. Rooney used to wonder about stuff like why born-again Christians, former smokers, and Chihuahuas were so stinkin’ intolerant. If only Andy was here today to comment and add some reassurance that the golf cart dependent, modern-day Benedict Arnold, convicted felon #666, the orange-haired Wharton flash and seemingly the satanic spiritual offspring of Adolph and Eva would not succeed on November 5th. And who wouldn’t wanna be around to cover and more importantly, jinx the guy who’s Mr. Populist in the polls but hates just about everyone and everything (especially if they sport a little too much melanin of any particular shade)?

As usual, Andy and I met right across the street from my old office at El Pollo Loco. And the opinions expressed here do not reflect those held by Fox News, Reverend Mike Johnson, U.S. Senator Tommy Tuberville or even people just like him who can barely read and write.

“Andy! Welcome back! Even if it’s just for a Pollo Bowl that ghosts probably can’t digest anyway. All things considered, you look awesome”

Yeah, Von Bulow, are you gonna ask me some questions or what?

Okay, I’ll be direct, whaddya think about Donald Trump?

Doc, if hatred, ignorance, bigotry, and total lack of class could fly; Trump would be an astronaut.”

And what about Republican VP candidate JD Vance and Elon Musk?

Young Jack, these guys are an insult to Duck Dynasty fans, hernias, and creepy clowns everywhere. Together with Trump, you’ve gotta wonder if they’ve ever had a beer with a friend

Uh, Andy, I’ve had three hernia repairs.

Sorry VB, but these guys really get me going; if I was still alive, watching them speak would probably kill me…or worse, make me channel Kid Rock on YouTube. It’s just that the likes of Lil Marco, the weekend Fox guy, the bleach blond bad built butch body broad and the Trump-Vance-Musk unholy trio are within one punch line of opening a can of Chicken Little…about 8-years too late. They’re selling fear, bitterness, and vindictiveness to Duck-types who’re often undereducated, under-informed, probably missing at least half of their teeth and gray memory brain cells. They don’t move forward; they’d rather obstruct…sorry…like a well-placed hernia. They don’t inspire hope; they peddle fear like creepy clowns…but enough about Ted Cruz. Back in The day, Mike Wallace would’ve taken them all out back and kicked their asses.

Andy, so why is Trump succeeding?

Dr. V, aren’t you still the foremost elite athlete/scribe/DDS-type in the San Gabriel valley?

Yeah Andy, but now I’m an age group athlete and retired DDS-type, what about my question?

Dr. V, the GOP ain’t what it used to be. Today, they’d probably run Eisenhower out on a rail. For the last three decades, they’ve been operating out of the dark dank shadows of all things, negative. They’ve chosen to ignore science, the environment, and any meaningful healthcare; they now prefer the Constitution to heavy duty Charmin. And racism remains the appropriate “Elephant” in the room; Trump wouldn’t even denounce the Klu Klux Klan. The new code for racism is DEI, who wants nasty stuff like Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion around when so many underqualified White butt kissers are available? Trump and his Klan have historically grifted on human insecurities and targeted immigrant and minority scapegoats for everything wrong with and not about America. Trump is an excellent salesman and he’s closing the deal by being the best listener in the room the GOP should be embarrassed to have built.

Andy, do you think it’s sad that we’ve elected the first African American President twice and in 2024, we’re still consumed with blatant bigotry that seems to speak to a significant part of the electorate? What chance do you give a smarter, younger Black woman who’s also the sitting Vice President?

JVB, it’s sad but I’m expecting the worst and hoping for the best. And remember my quote, “The average dog is a better person than the average person?” And I think, these days, the average dog is probably a better-informed voter than the average person comprising Trump’s loyal 30% base. And regrettably, I can almost envision a future Trump Department leader bragging about shooting a dog. I think I got out just in time.

You know Andy, even as a ghost, your hair looks better than Trump’s

Bite me molar jockey.”