You Are There

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” Groucho Marx

Okay, I’m not writing this piece just to enhance my firmly established old guy chops. But when I was six years old, TV was a big deal, even though the screen was really small and the only colors were black and white.

My fav show was You Are There, hosted by the great Walter Cronkite years before he became the most trusted man in America anchoring the CBS Evening News and finding the time to do the play-by-play for the Apollo 11 lunar landing in 1969 (gulp, the year I got my Bachelor’s in Zoology and began Dental School.) And by comparison, the lunar landing seemed much smoother than my interview with the USC Dean of Admissions and doing four years of hard time in D-school.

You Are There made the transition from radio to live TV back in 1953 (the Dodgers were in Brooklyn), with Cronkite stationed at the CBS desk announcing the event, let’s say the Hindenburg Disaster, not to be confused with the Big Beautiful Bill. (Stop! I’m getting ahead of myself.) Cronkite stated the event and the date, and boldly followed with the words, “You Are There.”

The Hindenburg, Jesse James, Salem Witchcraft Trials, and the Gettysburg Address visitations back in time all ended with Cronkite asking, “What kind of a day was it? A day like all days…all things are as they were, except, you were there.”

I was a thoughtful kid who took an interest in history early on; maybe that was a nerd-ish indicator of things to come. If Classics Illustrated comics was handing out fellowships, I’d be looking at the Perma plaque on the wall as I type. You couldn’t pay me to watch cartoons that weren’t Popeye the sailor man (Hey, I loved spinach-another early weirdo sign.)

So, I’ve done virtual interviews with people I’ve admired for years and it’s fun supplying the questions and the answers. My guests have ranged from the Dalai Lama to Coach Pete Carroll to President Obama, and even the former USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett (I loved Garrett as a player, but as an AD, I had him respond to every question with, “Uh?" and a thousand-yard stare. Andy Rooney’s been my favorite, a virtual virtual interview workhorse; I even brought him back from the dead twice within the last year. Andy always asks, “Von Bulow, do you remain the foremost elite athlete/scribe/DDS-type in the San Gabriel valley?” but there’s more to it than that. Andy took the big elevator back in 2011 and I think he’d rather spend time in heaven looking for 5-minutes with Abraham Lincoln than another psyche session with me and my Orange night terrors.

So, I’m reaching out to Walter Cronkite, my fav TV journalist outta my Wonder Years and beyond. It’s like, Cronkite and Rooney must be heavenly colleagues and pals, right?

“Hey Von Bulow, what’re trying to do, cut me from the squad? Walter said you’ve been pitching him; he thought you weren’t happy and complained that you were kind of outta your league reaching up for a CBS network anchor with two full years of heavenly seniority. So, what do you want?

Andy, I was just feeling a little guilty, it’s been like that since birth due to the Original Sin thing that didn’t seem to get in the way of Sinatra’s annulment.

Von Bulow, Sinatra was a senior when I was a first-year student; get over it. I’m over here at El Pollo Loco and La Polla Loca has been waiving her citizenship papers in my face. Hope you can make the long drive from Pasadena before the sun goes down.

(Two minutes later)

Andy, thanks for not starting without me, and I’m sorry about going over your head.

Dr. V, have you noticed ghosts don’t eat chicken avocado burritos? And Cronkite gets the high-end borderline do-gooders and moms. I get dentists, selected chiropractors, and an occasional Democrat congressman. We have a system. Do you have a question or what?

Andy, I need your help, I’m at a crossroads. I’m on the verge of shutting down or at least going on a Twinkies binge. There was a time when our ignoble leader was just transactional, unread, and unprepared. Early on, he used to kid around about Mexico sending us murderers and rapists, mocking disabled journalists, and seeing the depth of modern science in treating Covid-19 with Clorox. After over a million dead Americans, 26 sexual assault complaints, one impeachment over extortion of the leader of a sovereign nation and another over an attempted insurrection and four criminal indictments, it seems the orange tornado was just warming up.

Dr. V, take a breath. Do you remain the foremost senior elite athlete/scribe/retired DDS-type in the San Gabriel valley? Nothing worse than a retired dentist with perfect teeth hyperventilating in public. Get a grip man!

AR, when I ask his followers what they see when they look past the hideous apricot make up, the squirrel do, purple hands, lousy golf swing, and ankles the size of the base of the Statue of Liberty, what is it about the Smoot-Hawley, part 2, shooting boats in a barrel, deporting by way of color, language, and location, six times bankrupt, pathological lying’ psychotic narcissist that they see as a reflection of themselves, all I get back is a thousand yard stare…and crickets.

Von Bulow, and your question is…?

Andrew, just had to catch my breath, there’s more. We had a government shutdown to pretty much stall the release of the Epstein papers (How could a guy who roams teenage dressing rooms, imagines his daughter as someone he would date, brags about grabbin’ ‘em by the you-know-what, and loses a civil judgment over sexual assault while being accused by 26 other alleged victims be a possible perpetrator while hangin out with a one-time best friend who ran a pedophile ring?) Andy, I’m even parenthetically stressed out!!!

Young Jack, breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, Miyagi style.

Okay, so the Democrat Senate leadership caved back on November 12, and the funding bill passed after a shut down of a record 43 days. The Dems gained only a promise to bring ACA subsidy extensions to a vote in the Senate. During the shutdown, the federal government paid Republican House members (absent for 50 days) and unqualified terrorist ICE goons but did not pay other understaffed federal government workers (including air flight controllers). The government halted SNAP payments even though emergency funds were available and judged so by the courts. There were no negotiations regarding millions of low-income Americans losing Medicaid coverage and millions more who will see premium hikes that will lead to 50,000 dead Americans by way of insufficient health insurance coverage. The self-proclaimed great deal maker didn’t think it was worth his time to negotiate, even when starving children, veteran families, and elderly Americans lives were at stake. But Prez Dealmaker did find the time to send $20-Bs to a right-wing whack job in Argentina. What can I do in the face of this cruelty and insanity? I’m almost out the door to Krispy Kreme and I don’t even like donuts!!!

Dr. V, we have an eye on things up here…and he ain’t going to heaven, even long enough for John McCain to deport him. You’re always posting about leadership and teamwork. We’re watching you too. Do like our UCLA tennis player up here, Arthur Ashe recommends, “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” Speak up. Be kind. Be positive. And never quit. I saw you were recently sick for the first time in ten years.

Yeah Andy, I got back from Chicago after the USC-Notre Dame game and couldn’t stop coughing for two weeks. I had a temporary hearing loss, pinkeye in both eyes, and terrible sleep.

How’re you doing now?

I’m sleeping well. I have absolutely no aches or pains. I walk almost ten miles a day, and I’m doing what I can to help the people I love. I’m even thinking about how I can make a difference for the people who’ve done me wrong.

VB, I know you understand what a metaphor is, right?

Yeah Andrew, a metaphor is a phrase applied to an action to which it’s not literally applicable. Do you think the U.S. needs a metaphorical cleanse like the physical one I had?

Dr. V, it could be we’re working on it. You keep doing the same thing. Don’t overthink it, follow your core values. Stay optimistic and look for opportunities. Being negative is contagious like a pandemic. Being positive and resolute (like that desk) helps people see the light that’s always coming through the cracks that are always there. I’ve been hanging out with Leonard Cohen lately; he’s been here almost ten years.

Andy, I knew you’d be an inspiration, thanks for helping me blow off some steam and get the negativity outta my system.

And one last thing, have you done something with your hair, or maybe finally trimmed your eyebrows since back in March?

Bite me Molar Jockey! And don’t ever think about going over my head again.