What are We Doing to LGBTQ+ Teens by Shaming Them?

As I have said before, the teenagers in this generation are different from past generations. One way they are different are they question the “norm” and they are setting new standards. One area where they have set new standards is in the area of sexuality. Since June is Gay Pride Month let’s look at teenagers and their sexuality. Yes people still identify as gay, lesbian and bisexual, but we have more teenagers identifying as transgender, transsexual and pansexual. Pansexual is a person who is sexually attracted to the person’s personality their gender does not matter.In fact, some teenagers even identify as asexual. Additionally, we have more teenagers who do not identify as male or female. They identify as nonbinary. They feel they have male and female attributes therefore they feel the old labels are too narrow. As a result, they identify as nonbinary so they can be themselves. In fact, you may have noticed this change on demographic forms you need to complete. For gender more people are being given the option to put nonbinary or decline to state.

With demographic forms changing it is a sign that society is acknowledging what teenagers are feeling. We also see this in recent Court rulings guaranteeing that gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people are entitled to the same protection on their jobs as everyone else. Additionally, the Supreme Court has ruled that Homosexual marriage is legal in our country and there are other laws addressing the rights of homosexual individuals. However, while there is some legal progress for the LGBTQ+ community, the Courts and the President have created confusion by passing laws targeting transgender individuals and eliminating their rights. Also the Courts and the President are passing laws and regulations which are limiting the rights of transgender individuals. As a result while there has been progress in the past, with Trump as President the LGBTQ+ community are nervous about their rights and how far Trump expects to eliminate their rights to live their lives according to the rights granted to them by the first amendment of the United States Constitution. The Trevor Project has found that over 73% of teenagers who identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community report facing discrimination as a teenager due to their sexuality. This is a very sad statistic. It is already very difficult to be a teenager in 2025. Do we need to add more pressure to teenagers lives due to their feelings? Everyone has feelings including sexual feelings so why make a teenager’s life more complicated because they are doing what we all do - they are feeling.

Some parents are questioning why so many teenagers are questioning their sexuality. The truth, in my opinion, is due to the pandemic and quarantine. There have always been teenagers who identified as LGBTQ+, but they were afraid to say anything due to the discrimination they would face from people. However, spending two years isolated from the world gave many of us time to think and evaluate our lives. Many people have decided to change careers, get divorced and make other changes in their lives after having the time the pandemic gave us to re-evaluate our lives. In my opinion, many LGBTQ+ teenagers decided they were tired of denying their real feelings and identities so the quarantine period gave many the opportunity to decide they were going to stop hiding and be themselves. Therefore, there are not more LGBTQ+ teenagers in the world today, there are simply more teenagers choosing to be themselves.

While there has been progress is it enough? As a psychotherapist who treats adolescents, I would say no. I still have parents who bring their teenager who identifies as homosexual or transgender into therapy. They do not bring the teen in for therapy to help them deal with the social pressures they are encountering at school and other places. No they bring their teen into me so I can fix them. Many parents still consider these feelings to be a teenage phase or that someone convinced their child to think and feel this way. Unfortunately, we are seeing this idea in some of our schools, where parents are trying to ban classic novels and make it a crime for teachers to mention anything that remotely refers to LBGT+ issues or people. One classic novel parents are trying to ban is the book, “To Kill a Mockingbird.” As I stated parents are also trying to restrict what is discussed in high school classes because they believe the school is try to convince their child to change their sexuality.Why would someone select a sexual preference that opens them up to discrimination and possibly being killed? When I explain to parents there is nothing to fix, many parents do not believe me. They tell me they will take their teen to someone who will fix them.

To increase the confusion, some high schools have LGBTQ+ clubs and restrooms for transgender students. So at some high schools teenagers who are coming out publicly and stating they are not heterosexual, are being accepted as part of the student body and at others they need to hide their sexuality because they are afraid of being harassed or killed. Being a teenager is tough enough without adding this type of confusion into their lives.

However, as I stated above, President Trump and his judges are trying to pass laws and impose limitations on schools to limit a school from having an LGBTQ+ clubs and preventing transgender students from having separate restrooms or competing in sports. Additionally, they are trying to limit teachers from mentioning homosexuality in the classroom. Many teachers have considered no longer teaching because what if a student has gay parents? Can a teacher say anything about the parents if needed? Furthermore, if teachers are not allowed to include all of their students families in particular lessons, how does this make a student with homosexual or transgender parents feel? The chances are these students, who already feel excluded due to discrimination, will feel even more excluded and discriminated by their community.

This creates the possibility for these students to feel depressed or suicidal. We already know that suicide is the second leading cause of death for teenagers and the number of teens dying due to suicide has been increasing every year for the past 10 years (CDC). Additionally, teenagers who identify with the LGBTQ + community, especially transgender teens, are five times more likely to die by suicide than other teenagers (CDC, Trevor Project). Since suicide often looks like an accident the actual number for teenagers and LGBTQ + teens dying due to suicide is probably higher than our statistics. Knowing this fact, President Trump wants to eliminate the LGBTQ+ assistance on the 988 national suicide crises number. The 988 national suicide line has helped millions of teenagers (CDC, Trevor Project). However, just as teenagers are getting comfortable calling this number for help, the President wants to eliminate this program’s ability to help LGBTQ+ teenagers. Yes other counselors can help, but it is easier to talk to someone who truly understands what you have experienced. Additionally, when teenagers hear that the LGBTQ + part has been eliminated are they really going to call a service which is sending the message we don’t care about you. This is how any sane person would interpret only eliminating the LGBTQ + part of the program. How do we tell them that they are wrong when they are not wrong.

It is true that at times during adolescence or young adulthood, college age, that some people may have doubts about their sexuality and may even experiment. Just because some teens do question doesn’t mean every teenager questions. Think back to when you were a teenager, sexual feelings were very confusing. Therefore, some teens do question. However, I also have seen many teens who are not questioning. I have worked with many teens who know their sexuality for sure. They are not questioning and many of these teens tell me they have known their sexuality since they were little children.This occurs with teenagers who are heterosexual, homosexual and transgender.

When parents still believe that their teens can be fixed and teens are still being harassed and bullied at school due to their sexual feelings, I do not think we have made a lot of progress. In addition to the harassment at school, we have seen a significant increase in the number of violent attacks against transgender teenagers (CDC, Trevor Project). Yes some progress has been made, but we still need to make more progress.No one should be killed just because they don’t identify as heterosexual.

One example that indicates we still need to make progress is suicide, as mentioned above. The suicide rate for teenagers in general has increased from the third leading cause of death to the second leading cause of death. However, the rate is much different for homosexual or transgender teenagers. It is estimated that the suicide rate for teens who identify as homosexual, transgender, transsexual or questioning is five times the rate of the “average” teenager (The Trevor Project)). Think about this, for the general population of teens suicide is the second leading cause of death and those who identify as LGBT+ are five times more likely than the average teen to commit suicide. This is a significant difference and a large number of deaths by suicide. More importantly it means there are millions of teens killing themselves due to their sexual feelings and stereotypes that are outdated. Also the five times is an estimate. Many teens who attempt or commit suicide may have told no one about their sexual feelings. Also sexuality cannot be determined by an autopsy. Therefore, the number is probably higher.

Another fact which indicates we still have work to do is that teenagers who identify as homosexual or transgender have few places to go to for help. Many are afraid to seek therapy from a private therapist because they are afraid the therapist will tell their parents. Legally a psychotherapist cannot tell parents if their teen is questioning their sexuality, but many teens are not willing to take that chance. There are very few non-profit groups dedicated to the topic because stereotypes still exist and our society doesn’t put a great deal of emphasis on psychotherapy. I practice in the East Bay Area of San Francisco and I only know of one non-profit, the Rainbow Center, which provides services to teenagers who are questioning their sexuality.

It is 2025 and teenagers should not have to be dealing with these stereotypes at home and at school and there should be support services available. We need to eliminate the stigma associated with sexuality and mental health, we need to educate parents and schools about teenagers sexuality and we need more mental health services for teens. As psychotherapist we need to do a better job of educating the public that if a teenager tells us they are homosexual or transsexual or transgender, we cannot break confidentiality. Meaning we can tell no one not even there parents. We also need to educate parents this is not a disease that we cure. Sexuality is a normal part of being a human being and there are various forms of sexuality and they are all normal. However, when you have states creating laws eliminating transgender individuals of their basic rights as a person and people not concerned about the increasing violence against transgender teenagers, how is a LGBTQ+ teen going to have any hope of being able to live a happy life as themselves and not have to hide their entire lives. Again, think about those suicide rates and how many teens we lose every year because of a stereotype. This is ridiculous!!

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over twenty five years experience treating children, teenagers, trauma victims including first responders.. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.