Couscous Catastrophe for Justin

Bland couscous and an even blander camera image were enough to bring an end to Justin Balmes’ bid to be a Food Network Star on Sunday night’s episode.

Week after week, the fishmonger and butcher from Harry’s Farmers Market in Marietta flopped every time he looked into a camera, forgetting how to smile, to speak, to communicate on a basic human level.

Week after week, he avoided elimination because he was cooking the best food on the show.

Week after week, the judges begged him to bring some of his off-camera charisma and charm onto the little screen. Week after week, Justin remained a talented, likable enigma.

Now the weeks are over. Justin botched another Camera Challenge, was more like a robot waiter than a Food Network personality on the Star Challenge and slipped just enough on the quality of his food to be sent home.

It’s just a reminder that the key to being a TV chef is screen image, not stove skills. The millions of viewers at home can’t taste anything a TV chef cooks.

So, for the last time on Marietta Patch, let’s recap Justin’s night on Food Network Star.

He Knows His Cheez-Its

The Camera Challenge, a.k.a. prime product placement time, features chef Michael Symon and Kellogg’s goodies, with which the 11 remaining contestants must make delicious, sophisticated, bite-size hors d’oeuvres.

Our man Justin fixates on the Cheez-It crackers, and he gets them.

“That’s a win,” he says.

Also a win is his dish, a three-cheese macaroni creation. Unfortunately, Justin stumbles through his 60-second presentation, failing to smile, failing to highlight the Cheez-Its and failing to tell us about most of the elements of the dish.

“I love this dish,” judge Bob Tuschman says. “Your culinary skills are not in question. But can you convey that on camera?” (Foreshadowing, perhaps?)

Justin briefly wows the panel with his smile.

“When you smile, you’re lovely,” past Star winner Melissa d’Arabian says.

For not smiling or talking coherently on camera, Justin winds up in the bottom two with Jeff.

Chewed Up in ‘Cougar Town’

The Star Challenge is all about feeding Courteney Cox and friends on the set of Cougar Town, a show no doubt renowned for its cuisine. Someday, someone will write the secret history of Food Network Star, and we’ll learn how this TV marriage was arranged.

Each of five teams must prepare food for 150 cast and crew members, with each team targeting a specific group on set. Justin and Jeff team up to prepare food for the art department. We’re told that means the food must look good; hold that thought.

Each team can spend $2,000 while shopping simultaneously at Restaurant Depot and Whole Foods. Here’s one place Justin has a huge advantage: He knows what you can find where in a typical Whole Foods.

Jeff’s not so lucky. Somehow, he can’t find anything in Restaurant Depot better than tofu for his dish because there’s no ground turkey or ground chicken.

“A dish with tofu? Are you serious?” Justin tells the camera.

Fast-forward through four hours of cooking to the Cougar Town set, where Paula Deen is serving as guest judge because, apparently, Courteney Cox and Kellogg’s don’t pack enough star power.

And what sage comment does Paula have for Justin to guide a fellow Southerner through the perils of Hollywood?

“You’ve got big holes!” she shouts, staring at his ear lobes.

Not exactly the confidence-builder Justin needs.

So Justin and Jeff present their dishes. Justin’s seared tuna over Israeli couscous looks great (it was supposed to be artistic, remember?). Jeff’s tofu creation looks like something the cat threw up.

But Jeff sells his dish. Justin just recites a list of ingredients and suggests the couscous is bland-bland if you take a bite without the tuna.

The judges love Jeff’s tofu dish. They’re bored by Justin’s food and delivery.

“There’s just an awkwardness to him,” Bobby Flay says.

After criticizing Justin’s cooking for the first time, the judges cover familiar ground.

“What frustrates me about you is that I see so much personality from you every time the camera is not on,” Bob Tuschman says.

Justin is in the bottom four with Justin D., Penny and Whitney, and it’s pretty clear one of the Justins is going home.

This exchange spells doom for our Justin:

Bobby—“Justin B. is frustrating to me.”

Bob—“The ultimate frustration.”

Bobby—“I never know what he’s going to do next, and not in a good way.”

Giada De Laurentiis—“It’s like we’re telling him things, and they’re bouncing off his shield.”

It seems cruel but perhaps merciful when Bob doesn’t drag out the ouster ceremony, calling out Justin at the start and bidding him farewell.

Justin is stunned, then determined: “This is not the last you’ve seen of me. I’m going to be like the proverbial cockroach. Nobody kills me.”

Putting aside concerns about roaches in the kitchen, Justin has proved his culinary skills. Here’s hoping the next time we see him, he’ll be able to let the food on the plate do his talking for him.