Confessions of a Solitary Vegetarian

Eight hours a day or more I work alone from home or any of the coffee shops and cafes around Savage and North Laurel.

Anyone who has ever worked from home is familiar with the temptations to sleep in, slack off, take day trips and skip bathing.

But I am also a vegetarian, which means my self-control is put to the test on a gut level—literally.

While I'm perusing the local restaurants and grocery stores, I often see finely cooked meat and start drooling. Anyone observing Lent, Passover or Ramadan might recall this feeling at the site of a chocolate bar or hot dog.

I am a tolerant vegetarian. I do not walk into Chipotle pinching my nose in disgust at the chicken-graced burritos or the chorizo-laden tacos. Nor do I lose my appetite when I watch my brothers wolf down double-quarter pounders at McDonald’s.

Instead, I daydream.

I have worked in two restaurants since becoming a vegetarian—two restaurants at polar opposite ends of the culinary spectrum: Pizza Hut and Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. Although these establishments cater to very different desires and demographics, they both drove me to the deepest self-inflicted despair.

And now that I spend my workdays mostly alone, lunch has become a daily test of my herbivorous mettle.

I fantasize about ordering KFC double-downs, ribs and the meatiest pasta dishes in broad daylight.

I ask myself, “Who would know?”

Even when I’m in the company of friends and family—all carnivores, mind you—I visualize tearing through a bowl of chili or snatching the cheesesteak from my girlfriend’s hands and making it disappear.

So, I give up.

But I want to make the most of it, which means I need your help. I am taking offers for how I should go about ending my meatless streak.

Tell me, readers, should it be a premeditated event, at a fancy restaurant with a bottle of wine and bib?

Or should it be a spontaneous and feral meatfest monstrosity confined to my apartment?

What meat or meats? Should I even bother with a side of vegetables?

I am not promising a deadline, but I have started to be mentally OK with going back to light portions of meat, so if I get a truly great idea from someone, it may just push me over the edge.

Comment below with your ideas or e-mail me at brian.hooks@patch.com, and if I find a particularly tempting idea, I will recognize the user and maybe even record video of my meating.

Have at it, carnivores! Sharpen those knives. And forks.