Newtown Minister: I'm Still Grieving with Everyone Else

There is no getting back to normal. You have to learn to start with a new way of life.

That's the message the Rev. Matthew Crebbin of Newtown, Conn., shared with Acton residents and other invited guests on May 23 in Hartmann Hall of Acton Congregational Church in regards to when tragedy strikes a community.

Newtown was the site of the horrific shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in December when Adam Lanza, 20, fatally shot 20 children and six adult staff members.

"My expertise is the experiences I've already had these past few months," he said while discussing Crisis, Community and the Common Good. "We suffered great loss and great trauma."

The lecture touched on many topics:

• Preparing for the unexpected;
• Whose job is it anyways?;
• The 'disaster within the disaster';
• Public/private partnerships;
• Responding to everyone affected;
• Communication;
• Money;
• Getting back to normal.

"For me for our community, the impact of that day will be with us for the rest of their lives," Crebbin said. "It will take many years for us to move through the grief and transformation. But a community itself can’t do it on its own and recover. You will need additional assistance."

The days after the Newtown shooting, Crebbin said the town realized a lot needed to be done, but didn't know who would do it all. Calls offering help from all over the country topped at 300 per day. And emails were around that number, too.

Those trying to stablize the situation soon became overwhelmed.  

"People would call and say 'I'm trained in trauma and want to come and help.' All of them were thoughtful in offering assistance, support and care, as you might imagine," Crebbin said. "But what we had was our system was overwhelmed. I don't know if you can prepare for that."

What Newtown needed was help dealing with the crisis, but no one knew how to ask for it.

"It took a while for people to say we have problem and we don’t know what to do," Crebbin said. "We didn’t know we could ask for help. There is this help available to you but the community has to ask for it."

That help came in the form of the American Red Cross which helped the community understand how to respond to the hundreds of offers for help.

"You need expertise. There's people out there who know how to respond," Crebbin said. "There are agencies out there to specifically to help. But you have to be willing to ask for help. You are overwhelmed during a disaster. Because you are so overwhelmed, you need to identify and trust the support you are being offered."

Having counselors ready to speak with those traumatized is also key. Crebbin said first responders, students and parents from other schools, and many more were all affected by the tragedy.

"You have to deal with the fact that life won’t be the same," he said. "Most kids don’t go, and most people don’t take advantage. But you need to have that available."

Crebbin also advised the grieving process isn't the same for everyone. For kids, it could take many years.

"Some people will ask 'Why are we still dealing with this?' I don’t’ want to talk about it or hear about it.' Some will have very raw grief," he said. "We are all in the same journey but in different places. We're in the same chapter but on a different page.

"We have to grieve. I’m grieving with everyone else. That’s kind of the reality for all of us."