Addiction Meant Struggle for Whole Family

The substance abuse issues in Bob’s family started slowly. But looking back, he said, there were signs that they existed long before he admitted them out loud.

“At first I didn’t see anything myself, because I wasn’t home a lot,” Bob, a Lake Hopatcong resident said. Patch has agreed to withhold his full name to protect his and his family's privacy. “But I started to hear from other people that my wife was drunk during the day.”

And it wasn't long before the problems got harder to manage.

“I started to see the problems probably around the mid '90s or so,” he said. “My wife wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, especially when the kids were young, so I worked extra jobs to support everyone so she could stay home. There came a point when I would get calls from my kids at my job in the middle of the night, and they would tell me they didn’t know where mom was.”

Each day this week, Jefferson Patch explores the impact drugs are having on our community. Today, we also discuss the the growing concern over hard drugs, such as heroin, in Jefferson Township.

Bob said he was reluctant to speak for his wife, as to what caused her addiction. But, he said, she “suffered from mental health issues and also suffered from abuse when she was a child.”

Bob’s wife’s addiction apparently started with alcohol, but escalated to pills including Oxycontin, Oxycodone and Xanax.

The addiction got so bad that Bob felt he had to cut her off from the couple’s joint checking accounts.

“I was working two and three jobs to support the family and the house, and she was going out and spending the money on booze and cigarettes,” he said. “We had no money for the necessities. We were spending $10,000 a year on medical bills, after insurance.”

As his wife’s addiction escalated, Bob began attending Al Anon meetings. The organization offers support to the family and friends of those with substance abuse problems. He said this group helped him to understand the addiction.

“The thing with Al Anon is that it forces you to look at yourself, and your part in the addiction,” he said. “You learn things you can change about yourself, and it’s not always an easy thing to deal with. I learned that I was drawn to people who I thought I could save. I learned to control my reactions to things.”

At the same time his wife was struggling with her own addiction, the elder of Bob’s two teenage daughters was having issues as well.

“There were things going on at school. She was acting out, and it was getting more and more difficult to get her to school. DYFS (the Division of Youth and Family Services) got involved as well,” Bob said.

Upon returning home from Thanksgiving dinner one year, Bob and his children found a suicide note from his wife, and found her passed out but still alive.

“She went into rehab and was making progress, but then insurance ran out, and we had no way to pay for it,” Bob said.

The family eventually got some help through a variety of state, county and non-profit agencies—the most helpful ones, Bob said, being the Division of Youth and Family Services (DYFS) and Family Intervention Services.

“At first I had problems with DYFS, because they were putting the onus on me to do everything,” he said. “They told me I couldn’t leave the kids alone with my wife, but I have three kids (he also has a son) involved in activities, and I couldn’t take one where he or she needed to be without leaving the others alone with my wife. It was tough at first. But after I explained that to them, they were more helpful, and responded more to our needs as a family. They were able to set us up with other services."

Bob said he was finally able to get his wife into a live-in rehab facility. After multiple hospitalizations from the late '90s through early 2000s, the hospital sent her home. Bob didn't feel safe with his wife at home with their pre-teen son, so he and his son moved to a Residence Inn for 40 days; his daughters were not living at home at the time.

He said he and his son were able to come home after the 40 days, after his wife left the house.

“I knew she wasn’t better, and I didn’t want my son to be with her,” he said.

At that time, Bob’s daughter was struggling with severe mental, behavioral and drug-related issues, he said. She tried out-patient rehab, and lived in a residential facility at the Carrier Clinic for several months. But when she came out of rehab and came home, she began using again—and, Bob said, he had to ask her to leave the house. He got a temporary restraining order against her at one point because of her continued drug use.

These years of issues have taken an emotional toll on Bob, from which he is still healing.

“Going through this has made me grow in ways that I never thought I would,” Bob said. “A lot of times it was easy for me to be a jerk, because look what I was dealing with. All the help I’ve gotten taught me that I don’t have to be that way.”

Bob has now been divorced from his wife for a year, after an 18-month separation. He shares the home with his younger daughter, now in her late teens, and his son, who is in his early teens. He says he has a civil relationship with his ex-wife, but is not aware of everything going on in her life, and only deals with her “when I have to.” 

What advice would Bob give to other families going through this situation?

• If you’re using a therapist, make sure you choose one who is a substance abuse specialist. Not all are.
• You’re not responsible for everything.
• Push hard. If you feel something is right or wrong in your gut, push for what you need. You know your family better than any agencies do, no matter how helpful they are.
• Take care of yourself, and do nice things for yourself.
• Never give up hope.