The Holidays & Grief

This is a paid post contributed by a Patch Community Partner. The views expressed in this post are the author's own, and the information presented has not been verified by Patch.

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An Open Letter To Grieving Hearts:

Dear Grievers,

You are allowed to feel a sense of dread around the holidays, just as you are allowed to feel joy or a sense of pleasure when you think about the holidays.

There is no right or wrong way to feel, and this is precisely the reason that it is so important to norm that grievers, and humans in general, do not experience the happenings of the world in one particular way.

All others, who are not you, may struggle, despite their love for you, to understand the ways in which you may have changed, or what it is that you may want or need in your grief. Let’s be real, sometimes we struggle to understand who we are and what we want or need as well.

Since this holiday season is an opportunity for all of us to learn together, it feels important that we have awareness of the ways in which we can identify and advocate, in softer or louder ways, for what feels right and true to our ever-shifting mental, emotional and social needs.

In this mini-guide, I have considered the things that I needed in my seasons of deep grief and have taken a cue from the grievers that I have supported over the last three years. My hope is that some of these script samples, essential questions and things to ponder, are in some way able to serve you on your journey to knowing and nurturing yourself.

If you are hosting a griever this season, it means the world that you are curious about how to best hold safe space for them as they navigate this part of their lives.

With Much Love,
Katie

P.S. As you read this guide, keep in mind that time means very little in the grief world. Loss is often considered love in a different form…love (and therefore loss) doesn’t ever “go away” even though how loss is felt and experienced may shift over time.

If it’s been a month, a year, five years or twenty years…your feelings and needs around the holiday season (and in all seasons) are real, true and valid.

Approaches For Grievers

Grief Tending: Consider setting some time aside, even a small amount of time pre/post holiday/social gatherings, to practice some regulation techniques.

If you are feeling anxious:

• consider taking a fast walk that slows about ¾ of the way through (count the trees you pass on your path)
• perhaps use a favorite hand lotion while sitting/standing with your back against a wall or something supportive to promote grounding

If you are feeling low energy:

• find a pocket of sunlight, inside or outside, to stand or sit in
• consider setting a timer for 3/5/7 minutes and doing an activity/housework/moving around before resting again

Aspects To Ponder:

• How do you need/want this holiday season to feel/be? What boundaries can you put in place in order to protect that for yourself? Who can you assign to help to manage that as a gatekeeper if need be?
• How do you want/need the holiday gathering itself to feel? Would the host/family member somehow including the memory of your loved one in the festivities feel right, or feel like something you aren’t yet ready for? There is no right or wrong, and each griever may have varying needs. Don’t hesitate to make needs known so that if the event will not feel the way you need it to feel, you can choose not to participate.

A Sample List of Things You Can Control (holiday edition):

• Saying “yes”, “no”, or “I need to play it by ear this year” when an invitation is extended
• Deciding when you are ready to go home
• Choosing whether or not to engage in conversation about your loss (see sample scripts for guidance)
• The timeline of a response to holiday calls or texts
• The method by which you communicate (text, email, calls)
• Decorating or not decorating this year
• The way you give yourself time to prepare for a gathering, and to recover from a gathering
• Deciding what “normal”/”traditional” traditions to follow, take a break from, or retire
• Asking for help acquiring/wrapping gifts or choosing to skip gift giving
• Visiting a memorial or gravesite, or not…there is no “right” way…you alone know what is right for you

Sample Scripts for (tricky) In Person or Text/Phone Exchanges:

Q: How are you?

A: “In this moment, I am (blank)”

(Often this is a question asked out of habit AND you don’t owe anyone the CliffsNotes version of how life has been)

If: A broad generalization is made about grief or your life:

A: “That’s not been true for me”

If: Unsolicited advice is offered:

A: “I’m making my own decisions moment by moment” or “That’s not something I’m ready to discuss with you” or “I trust myself to figure it out”

Hosting Tips for Those Who Have The Opportunity To Hold Space For A Grieving Loved One…

Be Clear On What You Can & Cannot Do…

• No matter how beautiful of an event you host, you cannot recreate pre-loss holidays for a griever
• You cannot assure, even with lots of preparations, that the griever will attend, or will attend and feel comfortable staying
• You are not responsible for a grievers display or lack of a display of emotions
• Even if you know grief yourself, you, and everyone else at the gathering cannot know exactly how the griever is feeling or what they are needing. It’s therefore more loving to ask, rather than assume

Consider Communicating Your Intention… (2 scripts to consider!)

• It is my intention for this to be whatever you need it to be. I am happy to incorporate anything that feels important to you, and to understand if your needs change between now and then. We can be flexible.
• It is my intention to honor (name of lost loved one) in any way you see fit to the group as whole, or just privately. You are the expert in what feels right for you. We want to honor whatever that is.

Sample Questions To Ask…

• I am not expecting the holidays will be easy either way, but I wanted to offer that if it’s comforting, we can gather in the same way we always did, or if that feels too difficult right now, we can gather in a totally different way or place. Do you want to take time to think about it?
• Is there something special we can do to honor (name)? If you think of something that feels right, we would love to incorporate it.

The Gift of Autonomy…

It is so tempting, as deeply caring humans, to offer our advice or encouragement by way of supporting a loved one.

One of the most common parts of grief that I have witnessed, is that often, the griever is encouraged to somehow feel differently, behave differently, share or emote differently or to find a different pace than what is organic for him or her in this season of life.

Therefore, the most loving gift that you can give a grieving heart is the reminder that no matter how they are navigating life right now, they aren’t doing it wrong, and that they are the expert in their feelings/needs/decisions. They can be the expert AND they can be surrounded by a loving community that recognizes them as the expert. Grievers don’t need advice, they need safe spaces.

Processing Time…

Grief is exhausting. Often, systems that are navigating grief, greatly benefit from some additional time to process how they feel about options that are offered.

Whether you share your intention/permissions/questions via phone call or text, it could be a really loving gift to let them know that none of this needs to be answered now. By giving them time to consider what is right, a griever may come up with information they may not have realized about what they most want/need.

For some, not all, an abundance of options can feel overwhelming. Consider offering a “this or that”, if this seems true for your guest.

Sample Permissions To Give…

• I’ve set aside (name of room) for you so that you can go there if you need a break from people or to lay down for a while.
• You will know what you need. Whatever that is, is fine with us.
• You don’t have to pretend to be festive if you don’t end up feeling festive. Come just as you are.
• (Name) will be very much on all of our minds, and you can feel free to talk about (name) at this gathering, or not. We will follow your lead.
• If you think of something we can do to make the day feel a little easier, don’t hesitate to share it with us. We want to support you.

If you are looking for spaces in which to process your grief, you can learn more about the 1:1 and community work of The Grief Ritual at www.thegriefritual.com.

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