A Lesson Learned From Clementi Death: Dangers Both Digital and Emotional Need Attention

With considerable national attention brought to the issue of cyberbullying in the wake of the death of Ridgewood High School graduate Tyler Clementi, many are asking when exactly these such dangers emerge for students.

More importantly, what can be done about it?

Maureen Tillman, a clinical social worker and writer for The Huffington Post who specializes in teen suicide prevention and works with high schools, colleges, parents, students and others, says it's not always easy to spot teens who may take their own lives.

"Sometimes parents say, 'Oh, I should have seen the signs,' but very often it's not that easy," said Tillman, who also heads College with Confidence, an organization chartered to ease the transition for students into college.

And while there's no exact science to figuring out which students are most at risk, Tillman said she believes some of the fundamental issues must be dealt with on a whole and begin in the home, though she highly recommended that parents get professional help if they suspect their child may have serious problems.

Many of the key elements in raising strong, mature children begin far earlier than high school years, but it's a time Tillman said is particularly critical in teaching important life skills.

"They need to start shifting their parenting approach in high school to empower these kids to gain the skills and the independence and confidence that they need in college," she said.

Many high schoolers are able to function without learning the life skills they need, Tillman said. It can mask the difficult climate ahead, one without a safety net and one with many social, academic and sexual challenges.

It's particularly important that life skills in maturity be taught in high school for students in their first semesters of college because that's when they're the most vulnerable, Tillman said. Clementi had been a freshman Rutgers for about three weeks before he took his own life after his roommate and another student allegedly webcast video of him having a sexual encounter with another man.

"Even in the best of circumstances, there will be ups and downs at college, especially during the first semester, and parents always need to listen well and be aware of the warning signs of larger problems. Freshmen who are feeling low in the beginning, often feel that they are the only ones who have not found happiness. They are reluctant to let their new friends know of their vulnerabilities," she wrote on her website.

A natural reaction to the alarming statistics of teen suicide and substance abuse might be to be very protective, but Tillman said that often isn't the best approach. More protection usually results in less indepedence, a skill they'll need for life. Sometimes good intentions can go awry.

Ultimately, she said, because of a lack of maturity, skills in time management, procrastination and independence, a lot of kids go on to college "without the skills to be successful."

"There's so much we need to learn from this recent tragedy," which contains an interesting technological component, but isn't the root of the many problems teens and younger face.

"People are jumping on technology, which could be more controlled but ... parents should be checking to make sure their kids are making good judgements on the computer, what they do on the computer and in general, being kind to people."

"We have to continually raise our kids with good morals that don't hurt other people."

Kids raising themselves in a whole new world

Much has been said about the role technology plays in becoming tools that some with ill-intentions can destroy lives with, particularly the phenomenon of social networking.

Jill Brown, the co-founder of Generation Text and It's My Locker.com, is trying to bridge the gap–and by extension, mitigate the potential dangers–of social networking for youths.

Part of the problem, she says, with digital incidents of harassment and bullying and the very real-world consequences, is that the younger generation are far more adept at using the technology than the parents are.

"When you're raising a child you do things with your child and you can say 'don't do that–that's not nice.' You parent by being around your kids and with your kids."

The kids, she said, because of a lack of adult involvement are left in many ways to fend for themselves, and many aren't mature enough to handle it.

"It's almost like they're raising themselves in this technological world," said the Westfield mother and leader of the two organizations.

The first, "It's My Locker," is a social networking site that is entirely open and used with parents. It also brings parents into the fold, where they understand first-hand the types of things that are on the internet and the common issues that come up, particularly in 'sexting' and libel.

Brown, along with Detective Thomas Rich of the Summit Police Department in Union County, also go to schools in grades 3-12 educating students and administrators on some of the dangers and how to best navigate the internet during formative years.

Called "Generation Text," she said that she had made a lot of calls to schools last year telling them how big of an issue cyberbullying and harassment through the web was.

"This year our phone is ringing off the hook. Everyone is calling us. The school administrations don't know what to do," she told Patch.

"We talk about what's going on, and do examples with roleplaying. We talk about the consequences and we talk a lot about suicide. The kids ask us to talk about suicide. They're considering suicide in 7th grade because they're being bullied so bad."

Brown said that the programs also involve discussion on the legal consequences of sexting and harassment and privacy violations, along with the general "things you write online" that could hold you legally accountable and lead to serious consequences.

Brown will be at Benjamin Franklin Middle School on November 1, after a parent reached out to Principal Anthony Orsini, already well known for his stance on students using social networking presentations.

"A lot of the schools that call us really want us to address the middle school age and lot of them think the high schoolers don't really need this. I think this [Clementi case] is a good example that high school and college students need to be educated too," she said.

"We can't solve this problem without getting adults involved."