Ann

"Ask Ann. She'll know what to do."

I could not possibly calculate how often I heard those words in the years I spent on the block, 58th Street in Hells Kitchen.

However, they never referred to me (Anne with an e) but rather to my Mother (Ann without the e).

The statement was true because my Mother, (a/k/a Ann without an e) always appeared to have an answer or a solution to any and all of the myriad problems that were constantly brought to her attention.

Her large family had delegated all of the clan’s responsibilities to her even in youth. The fact that Ann had five brothers, all older, never diminished her authority. It was a curious reality that even as a child I was unable to understand.

Still I had to agree Ann, who was also my Mother, always knew what to do and on the rare occasions when she didn't, she quickly found a solution.

Years later after life had changed not only for me, but all those I loved and who once loved me, I dared to wonder when her spotless reputation had begun.

And even more I wondered about her seeming impenetrable self confidence. To the best of my knowledge, it wasn’t a gift she ever shared with anyone else.

Then suddenly I remember the many afternoons when my sister and I returned from school to find her hidden in the darkened bedroom not willing to emerge.

I realized how weary the overburdened woman, who was also our Mother, had become carrying the expectations of others.

I knew her facade of self confidence was merely a mask that she donned to keep fear away from those she felt obliged to protect, including me.

I finally understood that Ann without an E only pretended to know everything because it was what we needed to believe in order to survive.

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