Bagel-Slicing 'Crime' Sparks Outrage In NYC

NEW YORK — Alek Krautmann seemed to think he was doing the world a favor on Monday when he tweeted a photo of two boxes of bagels brutally cut in oblong slices. He had brought them from Panera Bread to share the "St Louis secret" of "bread sliced" bagels with his co-workers.

But to New Yorkers, Krautmann might as well have posted a picture of a crime scene or a horrific car crash. Some called the cursed image downright criminal.

"Thank you for reporting this crime, but we only serve New York City, where this would NEVER happen," NYPD Chief of Detectives Dermot Shea said on Twitter.

City Councilman Robert Holden said his fellow lawmakers could even pass legislation to make such bagel mutliation a felony. One of his colleagues agreed.

"I believe this is a Class A felony in New York City. And if its not, it should be," tweeted Councilman Justin Brannan, a Brooklyn Democrat.

Some people tried to defend slicing a bagel vertically rather than the standard horizontal cut. The practice apparently comes from the St. Louis Bread Company, a Panera prescursor.

One person said bread-slicing is ideal for offices with lots of hungry workers. Another argued, "It’s like turning your bagel into a chip and dipping it in cream cheese." (This may be unnecessary, as bagel chips already exist.)

But New Yorkers — who actually know things about bagels — were not buying any of the excuses. The city's Conflicts of Interest Board told Krautmann to "stay out of new york." Some people even said the blatant mistreatment of a Jewish food staple was anti-Semitic.

U.S. Rep. Lee Zeldin, a Long Island Republican, expressed his outrage visually:

Panera, the entity truly responsible for this travesty, asked its Twitter followers on Wednesday whether others slice their bagels "Bread Co style." Later, the company tried to bring both sides of the bagel fight together.

"We've learned a lot today, but in the end, a bagel is a bagel and no matter how you slice it, it’s still delicious bread," Panera tweeted.

Fact check: False.