Ask Not What Your Mommy Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Mommy

What would the world do if, tomorrow when you crawled out of bed, there were no mommies?

Just for a moment, let's imagine that while you were sleeping, they were all abducted by aliens.

What do you think might happen? Do you think those that were left behind might die when a mountain of laundry suddenly collapses on them? Perhaps a dish from the tippy-top of the pile that builds up in the sink will fall and hit them in the head.

Maybe well before that, the family would be living in its own filth, given that no other person in the house is qualified to replace the toilet paper on the holder, give small children baths, or ask the teens to shower. It clearly requires the secret training all mothers are taken aside and given upon a child ‘s birth.

After a while, do you imagine anyone would notice that Home and School meetings were suddenly completely unattended? Would someone care that the football team’s bake sale was now devoid of any and all baked goods?

Without a calendar detailing every family member's schedule with uniquely-colored dry erase markers, maybe they wouldn’t even know those things like football practice and school meetings happened.

I’d imagine that well before any of that occurs, they would likely all starve to death. I’m not sure that someone without an official “mom” title has ever planned ahead for a meal, let alone gone out and purchased the groceries in advance to prepare it.

It may take a few months to notice the dust building up on the furniture, or the fact that no one’s mopped the bathroom floor. The vacuum might get lonely, but no one knows where it is, so that’d hardly be a concern.

Teachers that are not moms might start to notice the undone homework, and probably complain about the untouched book bags, unread notes home and weeks’ old lunch bags rotting inside.

That will all be fine because there is no one left to get children on the bus, wash their faces and ensure the arrive at all, anyhow.

I’ll get off my soapbox now. I know some dads and kids really do help. But, right before I go, please reread this column. If there is anything on that list that you, as a non-mom, can remotely do on your own, maybe you should just think about doing it.

Imagine your own mom’s face when she finds that you, of your own free will and ability, walked your very own dirty clothes to the hamper. You’ve planned your own meal AND cooked it? Miraculous.

OK, I’ll really go this time. Besides, somewhere a child is screaming from a toilet, desperately in need of paper that only a mother can find.