Things Not To Do On Thanksgiving: Real Cooks Share Their Holiday Fails

If Clark Griswold and his fictional family had ever done a Thanksgiving-themed movie, mishaps submitted by Patch readers could rightly find a place in the plot.

We asked readers in an informal survey to submit some of their most hilarious “Thanksgiving fails” — those small and large catastrophes that threaten the family feast, but become moments to laugh about for generations to come.

The holiday is on Nov. 27 this year, but we’re giving you an early look at “things not to do on Thanksgiving.”

Don’t Set Your Hair On Fire

New London (Connecticut) Patch reader Susan’s hair was literally on fire.

“I leaned forward on the dining room table, and my hair went into the lit candle,” she said. Susan survived the fire, but the sulfurous and acrid odor of burning hair persisted.

The story will be told again and again, along with that time years ago when the family Thanksgiving feast was fouled — and not by the fowl.

“My Mom had cooked a beautiful Thanksgiving meal with 16 side dishes, and so much to feast on,” Susan said, “but the septic tank overflowed, so no one could use the toilet.”

Less tumultuous but still unforgettable was the mishap “a long time ago when my mother-in-law presented a beautiful bird on a platter.” The made-for-a-magazine-cover moment became something for a National Lampoon movie when the turkey was carved.

As the carving knife sank into the perfectly browned skin and juicy meat, “the big absorbent pad from the packing material showed up,” Susan said. “It was cooked with the meat.”

Don’t Microwave The Bird

As microwave ovens became affordable in the latter part of the 20th century, the thinking among many consumers was that the new technology could cook anything a regular oven could cook, in a fraction of the time.

It was mostly trial and error, with some disastrous results. Case in point:

“When they were first popular on the market, my sister and brother-in-law thought it would be cool to cook the turkey in the microwave,” Highland Park (Illinois) Patch reader Mary said. “It looked ridiculous because it filled the entire space. It turned out like a rock. I think we ordered a pizza.”

That said, Mary misses those family Thanksgiving celebrations of years ago.

“We’d all dress in our Sunday clothes, load into the car and drive to my aunt and uncle’s house in the city,” Mary said. “We’d play in the basement with our cousins, then sit at the kids’ table in the kitchen while the adults, including my older sisters, sat in the dining room.

“On the way home, Mom would drive and Dad sat in the back of the station wagon with us and told us the story of Thanksgiving,” she continued. “It was wonderful!”

Don’t Experiment With The Bird

Frying turkeys, a trend that originated in the Cajun region of Louisiana, was popularized a few decades ago by celebrity chefs who praised the method as superior to oven-roasting. Their birds were always crispy and golden on the outside and moist and flavorful on the inside.

Not so with a first-ever crack at a fried Thanksgiving turkey by East Haven (Connecticut) Patch reader Joy’s brother-in-law.

“The turkey came out black as tires and dripping with oil,” Joy said. “We had no turkey for Thanksgiving.”

There will be no more experiments with the Thanksgiving bird.

“This year, we are ordering a turkey from a professional turkey maker,” Joy said. “And it will be traditional, not fried.”

Don’t Forget Size Matters

Hackettstown (New Jersey) Patch reader Robert and his wife had just purchased a very old home and planned to host 25 family members at Thanksgiving. Each guest contributed a side dish, and Robert’s brother and sister-in-law supplied the turkey, which was dressed and ready to pop in the oven.

“It turns out our oven that was built into the cabinets was very small, and the turkey would not fit,” Robert said. “We all went to a restaurant to eat!”

Don’t Forget To Buy The Bird

St. Pete (Florida) Patch reader Livie committed an unforgettable but perhaps forgivable mistake given all that was going on in the store the day she did her Thanksgiving grocery shopping.

“There were 100-plus folks in Publix that day, and food, wine, dessert tasting — you name it,” she said.

“I forgot to buy a turkey. I had everything else,” she said, adding with a “winking” emoji, “I walked right past — and the turkeys didn’t say a word.”

Don’t Create An Oil Slick

Five Towns (New York) Patch reader Dave’s Thanksgiving “yikes” moment came after he forgot to close the oil valve on his indoor-use electric fryer.

“I’m standing there, pouring in this massive jug of peanut oil, and suddenly my feet are standing in a pool that’s rapidly spreading across the kitchen floor,” he said. “It took hours to clean up, and even then, you couldn’t get near the kitchen without slipping.”

The fryer has been gathering dust ever since.

Don’t Smoke Out The Guests

The savory aroma of the roasting turkey wafted in the dining room, where everyone was seated and ready for the bird to be carved and for the feast to begin, Concord (New Hampshire) Patch reader Robert recalled.

Suddenly, the smell of disaster filled the air.

“When I pulled the turkey out of the oven, the aluminum pan cracked, pouring the grease and juices. The grease caught fire and smoked everyone out of the house,” Robert explained.
He opened all the doors and put fans in the windows to clear out as much smoke as possible. The fans sucked out the heat with the heavy air, but not the warmth

“When all was calmed down, we sat around the table cold and hungry, enjoyed a great dinner and laughed about my blunder,” he said.

Again, Don’t Use Flimsy Pans

Foil bakeware makes cleanup easy — or so some people say. Robert certainly isn’t among them, and neither is New York City Patch reader Diane.

“I was putting a freshly made lemon meringue pie in the oven to brown the meringue when suddenly the tin foil pie plate bent in half,” she said.

Picture this happening in your kitchen on Thanksgiving morning:

“Some of the filling fell onto the bottom of the oven and sizzled. The rest oozed through the crack between the oven and the door onto the broiler door below. The oven was hot, the pie was sticky, and, ooh, what a mess to clean up!”

The calamity happened “early enough in the day that I could hastily throw another pie together,” Diane said, adding, “but cleaning that oven was laborious!”

What’s your legendary “Thanksgiving fail”? Join the conversation below.

Also On Patch

• Does Turning On Holiday Lights Early Make You A Bad Neighbor? Block Talk
• Northern Lights Ramping Up Intensity, More Chances To See Them Expected
• Like A Beloved Friend, Farmers’ Almanac Mourned As 208-Year Run Ends