You Cannot Please Everybody

When you try to please everybody, the one person you will not please is yourself. There is a good and bad way to be “other-directed.” The good way is when you genuinely care about others and their well-being. The bad way is when you are more concerned with how others see you than how you see yourself.

I have known persons whose daily mood was dictated by how they perceived others perceiving them. If others smiled and were friendly, they felt good about their surroundings and themselves in it. If others did not smile but were curt and critical, their worlds were in turmoil and their self-image imperiled.

I used to be very sensitive about how others seemed to respond to me. I remember how I felt if a smile and “Hello” were not returned. I would immediately wonder, “What did I do wrong?” Now, if a friendly address is not returned, I do not take it personally; the problem is with the other person, not with me.

It is simply impossible to please everybody. In my years as a pastor, I discovered that the very thing one person liked, another detested. It is the same with food or music or movies.

My daily task is to be true to myself. Shakespeare said: “This above all, to thy known self be truth. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Yet many of us were raised to be people-pleasers in our families of origin. Children who please their parents generally get along better with them, and are more likely to gain privileges than non-pleasing children. The same holds with teachers: teacher-pleasers may receive benefits those who do not, will not. It follows that peer-pleasers may be more popular than non-pleasers, or at least get invited to more functions.

It is all too easy to sacrifice truth and honesty for the sake of getting along and being liked. For many, the latter combination has a higher value than the former. Truth and honesty can get you in trouble. Tattle-tails and whistle-blowers are systematically disliked. In ancient days, they even killed the messengers of bad news, just for telling the news.

In an interesting study years ago, college students were paid varying amounts to tell lies to others, lies that made others feel better about themselves – “snow jobs” as it were. Those who were paid less tended to work on believing their lies more than those who were paid more. What that says is we can talk ourselves into and out of many things, and if the reward for dishonesty isn’t enough, we may have to convince ourselves we are actually telling the truth, to feel better about ourselves for selling honesty out so cheaply.

Face and honor your truth. Then do something good for yourself every day, something that pleases you, every day. Doing good for yourself will prompt you to do good for others. It is easier to give when your cupboard is full; when you are satisfied with your life, you can more effectively assist others to attain life-satisfaction.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That also means, do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you – and unto themselves. If you will not please yourself, you will not let anybody else please you.