Moms Talk: How Do You Break Bad News to Children?

On the day of the , my younger son arrived home from Ridge High School to find the television tuned to a news channel and me passing along the news that there had been a shooting in Connecticut, not far from where his grandparents and my brother live.

Without intending, I burst into tears when I got to the part I had to say that so many children had been shot and killed.

Of course, he was sympathetic. He also inquired about the safety of my neice, who attends school nearby.

But then he urged me not to dwell on such news so I wouldn't get overly depressed.

Therein lies some of the uncertainty of talking to children about local, national (or international) tragedies that are being blared all over the news.

Some may be sensitive to the situation, but still not let it get to them. Others may be deeply upset, fearful and frightened.

And while teens perhaps should know more than younger kids, at what age do you feel the need to tell your children about such events? How do you broach the subject?

Do you talk to your children separately, especially if they are of different ages and temperament? Do you get the whole family together for a discussion? Or do you let the topic arise naturally, as perhaps your child asks questions or bad news comes up in conversation and on the television or online?

I personally think that kids who are in school need to have some basic information about what is going on in the world, especially since they will hear about it in classrooms and out in public. But how much?

My high school son was in kindergarten when the World Trade Center was destroyed by terrorism. I had to say something — some of his new classmates were affected — but I didn't want him to experience the sense of chaos that even some adults felt at that time. I stuck with the basics, and assured him that we were not that near to New York. (I refrained from pointing out to a five-year-old that we weren't that far, either.)

The last few horrific events have involved children even more directly. In Boston, an eight-year-old child was killed merely standing on a sidewalk. How can we realistically assure our children we can keep them safe — when we really can't?

Is it time for us and/or local schools or police to perhaps offer some information and advice to kids on how to react to best improve your chances for safety if you suddenly find yourself in a dangerous situation? What would be the best source for that advice?

How do you talk to your kids? Do you think you handled the situation in the right way in talking about bad news events? Or do you wish you had approached it in a another manner?

Do your children feel better if they participate in an event to offer sympathy for victims, such as the Bernardsville-Basking Ridge based HeartWorks vigil following the Newtown shootings? Does it make you, and your child, feel a little better and more empowered by doing something?

Special message from Bernards Township Superintendent

On Tuesday, Bernards Township Schools Superintendent Nick Markarian sent out a special email message to district parents, suggesting that controlling exposure to what students see and hear through the media or through adult conversation is one important consideration in protecting young people.   

The superintendent passed along a link he had received from New Jersey's  UMDNJ-University Behavioral HealthCare, Traumatic Loss Coalitions for Youth Program. As a parent you may find the links on the following page helpful.

"Please know that school staff are here to assist you," Markarian said in the email. "School counselors are always available and ready for students in need. If the school can intervene on behalf of your child who may be coping with a traumatic situation please reach out to your child’s counselor."

Other links included the National Child Traumatic Stress Network.

Please let us know what you think on this subject, and what worked best for your family. Also, do you think that there should be public forums or information sessions where our children can learn about how to best react in emergency and/or dangerous situations?