Dallas CPAC, Day 2: Now Known As The Day The Mirth Stood Still

DALLAS, TX —The problem with a loyalty litmus test is that not everyone is working with the same tool kit.

So it went on the second day of Dallas' CPAC 2021 convention, which the organizers have gamely titled "America Uncanceled." But funnily enough, when what you're selling is that everyone has the right to espouse the craziest conspiracy theories and the nuttier the better, well... the more dialed up the rhetoric becomes.

For example, when conservative heartthrob NC Rep. Madison Cawthorn got wind of President Biden's new initiative to get the remaining Americans vaccinated, Cawthorn didn't see community workers with vaccines going door to door. No, he told a conservative media outlet, he's worried what else Biden could do once a plan like that has been tested. He could return, Cawthorn said, going door to door to collect your guns — and return for your Bibles.

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Of course, the only time in American history when unidentified government operatives swept through a city to accost its citizens was last summer when, under the Trump Administration, masked militia removed protesters from the streets and spirited them away to unknown destinations.

And, while much of Dallas' QAnon convention last month took place in a media vacuum, there's no such isolation this time. Social media has already seen widespread criticism of Donald Trump Jr.'s attempt at a joke yesterday at Texas' expense. At first, he seemed to applaud the state's credentials as a Red State.

“It’s great to see it. Texas has always led the charge,” said the former president's son.

“Well, ’til about like a couple of months ago," he demurred, "and then Austin sort of took over. Like, I don’t know guys. Like, Texas was leading the charge. You’re still top 25.” And all the air left the room.

And even the oddly shaped and vaguely phallic appearance of the Dallas stage has lit up Twitter with jokes that this CPAC is doing more to make fun of itself than SNL writers ever could. Between performances yesterday (it's hard to call them speeches, since they contain no policy points), a pre-made video presentation thanked the weekend's "sponsers" (sic).

As a case in point, consider former Texas congressman Don Huffines. Huffines, introduced as "Dan," is one of two declared GOP opponents Gov. Greg Abbott will have to get past to win another term. The other, Allen West, is scheduled to speak tomorrow.

Saturday, Huffines accused Abbott of being a RINO — a "Republican In Name Only" — who mishandled the response to COVID, fiddled like Nero as his state froze in February due to a faulty power grid, and is incapable of solving the border nightmare. "Unfortunately," Huffines railed," we’ve got a career politician that’s a political windsock, a RINO.”

For anyone unfamiliar, calling someone a RINO at CPAC is close as it gets to that moment in the kids' classic The Sandlot when one young ballplayer narrows his eyes at another, and to the collective gasps of everyone present, tells another player: "You throw like a girl." Burn!

Tonight, Rick Perry, the former presidential candidate, former Texas governor and former member of the Trump cabinet member hosts The Cattleman's Ball dinner. There'll be more red meat is on the menu, alongside a live band and line dancing.

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