‘Say Something’ Not Always The Best Advice For Sketchy Neighborhood Situations: Block Talk

Say you see something you think is sketchy going down at a neighbor’s house while you’re out walking the dog or weeding the flower gardens. What does a good neighbor do in these situations?

We put the question to readers in an informal survey for Block Talk, Patch’s exclusive neighborhood etiquette column. We asked: What do you do when your “sixth sense” tells you something’s “off” about a situation or a person in the neighborhood?

That depends on the situation, said Madison (Connecticut) Patch reader Roxanne.

“Is the person weird, like he has blackout curtains on all his windows and dead animals keep showing in the neighborhood? That would most def raise concerns,” Roxanne said. “If he’s a registered sex offender, yup, another red flag.

“But is he just unpleasant?” she continued. “Then let him be.”

It’s better to err on the side of safety if a situation appears to put people in the path of harm, several readers said.

“Check into it. It could be something important, like a question of someone’s safety,” said Elmhurst (Illinois) Patch reader Angela. “It’s better to say something. If the hunch was incorrect, then apologize. Neighbors will realize intentions were good.”

“Human trafficking, child, abuse, and other types of abuse are happening right in front of us and people need to say something,” said Mary, a Pennsylvania Patch reader who lives in Paoli.

“I would have to report if the feeling is strong and it seems that someone is being abused,” she said.

“Trust your gut,” Across America Patch reader Susan said. “You know what you know.

“Do it the right way and don’t go in shouting accusations,” she said. “But if someone’s making you or your kids feel uncomfortable, you have the right to approach that person and ask them why they're in the neighborhood and explain why you shouldn’t call the police. If they can’t reassure you, follow through.”

“I keep a close eye and investigate within a justifiable amount of time, and I either act on it or I don’t, depending on the outcome of my personal investigation — and when I say investigation, I mean looking into it,” said Miller Place-Rocky Point (New York) Patch reader Pat, who lives in Mount Sinai.

Pat added that “99.99999 percent of the time, I stay out of it. It’s not my business. If it is my business and it affects me, then 100 percent of the time I speak out.”

When that happens, Pat is not shy.

“I confront them publicly in front of the neighborhood,” Pat said.

‘Being A Good Neighbor Is About Caring’

Several readers warned against making snap judgments.

“Cautiously keep an eye on the situation till you are certain that it should involve you or others,” said Murrieta (California) Patch reader Joel. “Being a good neighbor is about caring, not wanting to criticize.”

“I observe and assess, giving myself time to decide if intervention is warranted,” said Flemington (New Jersey) Patch reader J. “I’m hesitant if I don’t know the people involved.”

“Ask questions before coming to conclusions,” said Racine (Wisconsin) Patch reader DS. “Example: There was a strange car in front of my house with no license plates that had not moved for three days. I could have called the police and had it towed. Instead, the first neighbor that I spoke with claimed the car as belonging to their son.”

‘Stay Calm And Don’t Escalate’

Moorestown (New Jersey) Patch reader Max prefaced his comments with the advice to “stay calm, focus on relevant facts and avoid gossip at all costs.”

“Observe more intentionally and consider whether and how to intervene,” Max said. “Trust your gut. Don’t be afraid to call authorities. Only directly engage if there is imminent danger.”

“I wait for more substantial ‘clues’ before talking about it,” said Harlem (New York) Patch reader Sahara. “We should not make these decisions or cloud our observations, based on our personal ideas, i.e. upbringing, cultural traditions, or past trauma. Put that aside and ask questions.”

Mendota Heights (Minnesota) Patch reader Patty said she tries to identify a pattern and then evaluates “whether or not I'd be putting myself in harm’s way by approaching.”

“Depending on the situation, I try to speak with person/possible victim afterward or if warranted, call police,” Patty said.

“I proceed with caution. My first concern is how it affects my family. My second concern is for the harm that might be done, if silent. The former is the determining factor, the latter must be serious to overrule my first concern. But then sometimes the ‘gut’ wins out, no matter the cost,” said Shadow H, a Maryland Heights, Missouri, resident who reads Oak Park-River Forest (Illinois) Patch.

“Keep emotions at bay, yet understand, logic and common sense are often lost in the moment,” Shadow said.

“Speak up but don’t think you have the final truth,” said San Francisco Patch reader Sydney. “Listen to responses and really hear them.”

“Listen, recheck, listen, recheck, ask if help is needed,” said Bryn Mawr-Gladwyne (Pennsylvania) Patch reader O. “Just be aware”

Barnegat-Manahawkin (New Jersey) Patch reader Dave thinks it’s important for people to become “hyper-observant” if they something that looks sketchy going on.

“Try to take note of the date and time and if possible, write down what you have seen. If the issue or person is outdoors, feel free to take photos or video,” Dave said. “Contact a trusted neighbor and compare notes. If you feel threatened or extremely uncomfortable, contact law enforcement and be factual when describing the issue.”

Emphasizing his final point, Dave said. “Stay calm and don’t escalate.”

“If time allows, I try to gather more information about the situation before intervening,” Waukesha (Wisconsin) Patch reader Angela said. “If it feels safe, directly ask questions to whoever may be involved. If it doesn’t feel safe, I may call the non-emergency police line and report the suspicious activity.”

Angela added, “But I’d also try to keep an eye on the situation to make sure it didn’t turn into something more serious or dangerous.”

Upper East Side (New York) Patch reader Kari thinks it’s important not to make a snap judgment.

“People seem a bit more ‘triggery’ recently, so as New Yorkers, we can show up with kindness and ask to be helpful,” Kari said. “Otherwise, step away and call the crisis helpline or 911.”

“Ask a neighbor if they have the same sense,” said Washington Heights-Inwood (New York) Patch reader F.

‘Some Things Can’t Be Taken Back’

“Be quiet but stay vigilant,” said Nashua (New Hampshire) Patch reader Deb. “Be careful with false accusations. Not everything is how you perceive it. Some things can’t be taken back.”

About that …

We also asked Patch readers what they’d do if a false accusation was made against them based on a wild misinterpretation of an innocent situation.

Angela, the Waukesha Patch reader, said she would try to give her accusers grace and try to understand the situation through their eyes.

“We all make bad calls sometimes,” Angela said. “I’d like to believe that most people have others’ best interests in mind, and wouldn’t purposefully sabotage their neighbors in a detrimental way.”

Susan, the Across America Patch reader mostly agrees.

“I would like to think I would reassure them that where the welfare of children and other people are concerned, we can’t be too careful,” she said. “But I suppose a lot would depend on what was said and if the fallout was lasting. I wouldn’t sue them, or I probably wouldn’t, but I’d put my house up for sale and find a place where people aren’t so quick to judge.”

Roxanne, the Madison Patch reader, said she would shrug it off.

“If the neighbors are that easily stirred up trying to change their minds only involves me more deeply,” Roxanne reasoned. “If that person stirs up the neighborhood, I’m thinking it’s not his first rodeo, and soon will latch on to another event. Best to just ignore.”

‘It Takes A Village’

Silver Spring (Maryland) Patch reader Jessie said she remains aware of situations around her but doesn’t count neighbors to do the same.

“It saddens me that more people are choosing to stay silent and not get involved,” she said.

“It takes a village,” said Milwaukee Patch reader EllieKat. “My daughter was followed by strangers some 20 years ago. She misled them by walking up the neighbor's steps.”

In her experience, it’s “better to be over-cautious than oblivious,” she said, offering one caveat: “Resist being a Nosy Ned or Nellie. MYOB.”

“As a community, we need to support each other,” said Altadena (California) Patch reader LM. “I know some neighbors are friendlier than others and do watch our homes while away and I hear many stories of good neighbors.”

‘Don’t Expect To Be Rewarded’

“I’m done trying to be helpful,” said Rockville (Maryland) Patch reader D. “I nicely told a neighbor that her 5-year-old playing in the street unsupervised was in danger from cars, and I was yelled at, called a racist old man and (expletive).”

“Don’t expect to be rewarded for doing the right thing,” said Patch reader Amanda. “I called the police and reported domestic violence on a former neighbor, who regularly beat his wife.

“There was no doubt this was happening. Neighbors on both sides could hear her screaming and saw the bruises the next day. Some of us talked to her about her rights and she told us to mind our own business,” Amanda continued. “One night I genuinely feared he would kill her and called the police. She read me the riot act and said I had only made it worse for her because he would take it out on her when he was out of jail. Domestic violence is a complicated situation. Just know that going in.”

But, she added, “I'd do the same again in a heartbeat.”

Newark (California) Patch reader Jordan said making a 911 call is always the right response in domestic violence situations.

“Domestic abuse situations should be reported, as intervening yourself could get you attacked by both parties involved,” Jordan said. “There is a reason that a fighting couple is together in a toxic relationship. Don't interject yourself into it as it could come back and bite you.”

About Block Talk

Block Talk is an exclusive Patch series on neighborhood etiquette — and readers provide the answers. If you have a topic you'd like for us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with “Block Talk” as the subject line.

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