Census Results: Help New Texans Live Their Best Lone Star Lives

DALLAS — Texans have a reputation for being friendly. And that may cost us.

According to figures released by the U.S. Census Bureau this week, the Lone Star State attracted so many newcomers in the last decade that essentially, Texas grew by the size of Oklahoma's current population.

That means an astonishing 3,999,944 tenderfoots, greenhorns and city slickers set up camp here between April 2010 and the same month in 2020. Compare that to Oklahoma's entire April 2020 population of 3,959,353. Maybe that's why the wind comes right before the rain.

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In all, nearly four million new arrivals got their spurs to expand Texas to a population of 29,145,505. And it may be one factor in why the state is turning politically from bright red to that purplish hue the late Prince seemed to favor.

The census reveals that it's not just an increasing number of Hispanics that are changing the demographics of the state — it's international and out-of-state transplants as well.

How it will all shake out is anyone's guess. As Texans, we have a long and storied history of liking things just the way they are, thanks very much. And there are elements of our legacy that truly are worth preserving.

With that in mind, to the newcomers: ya'll are welcome.

But we'd be mighty grateful it if you didn't confuse line dancing with real country and western dancing, which includes the two-step, the Cotton-Eyed Joe and the Schottische. And you shouldn't ask us to unroll our enchiladas and lay them flat. You're thinking of New Mexico.

While we're at it, our chips are the color of a pecan sandy, although we will tolerate the blue and red if they're mixed in, because well, we're polite. But whatever you do, don't try to convince us that there's such a thing as a "soft taco." A soft taco is a burrito victimized by Yankee conversion therapy.

Please try our beers: Lone Star, Shiner and Tecate. Microbrews are tolerated, but should be imbibed discreetly — say, by moving to Austin for example. We love our Texas blues, our rock and roll and our country music, but also a wide variety of native Mexican sounds, from mariachi to conjunto. And if you've only heard accordions when they're used to play polkas, we've got a treat in store for you.

As for the natives and long-timers, remember that moving to Texas is like joining a gym for the first time. Everybody starts somewhere. Even Davy Crockett was once a newbie.

Expect to hear Spanish names mangled. Don't laugh when someone looks at a bowl of hot sauce (they'll call it salsa) and asks, "is it hot?" And do let them know that the best money they'll ever spend in the summer is on an inside windshield cover. Without it, you won't be able to touch your steering wheel without melting your flesh to it.

Warn them that without warning, cows and deer will appear in the road. (West Texans can add tumbleweeds and armadillos to that list.) And it would sure be mighty neighborly if you'd explain that the phrase, "if you don't like the weather in Texas, wait five minutes" is not so much funny as it is true.

Help them understand that Texans interpret the words "black ice" in a forecast as a challenge to take a completely unnecessary road trip to the store urgently, because no invisible threat is ever going to have us cowering at home.

Eventually, you won't be able to resist sharing recipes, spots to swim and fish, your favorite perch to catch a spectacular Texas sunset and honky tonks where you can dance the night away fortified by frozen margaritas and your favorite local band at full throttle.

What's really true is that no matter where you were raised, and no matter where you call home now . . . everything changes. It's the only constant. So when you meet a new Texan, you're meeting someone very much like you, your parents or your ancestors. And the best thing you can do is treat them like long-lost family. Say howdy, and ask — as so many Texans do — "How's yer Ma 'n them?"

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