Lone Star Lawmakers Demand To Know: Where's The (Fake) Beef?

DALLAS, TX —Not so fast, pardner. If it ain't beef, Texas lawmakers want to make sure their Lone Star constituents know it, so you don't fall for the old okeydoke.

Legislators pushed through a bill Monday that bans products based on plant components from being labeled as "meat" or "beef." Many will recall the same idea was popularized several years back on a bumper sticker that read, "If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

Brad Buckley is the GOP Texas House Rep who introduced the bill. He represents Central Texas District 54 that includes part of Bell County and all of Lampasas counties, and is certainly no stranger to the cattle industry.

Buckley tried to butter his Texas toast on both sides by describing bill as "for those who choose to eat meat, but it’s also for those who choose to not eat meat," according to a report from The Austin American-Statesman.

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Apparently the ground they're willing to give (pun alert) is that companies could still call plant-based "burgers" by that name.

This what has the Texas Capital abuzz. Not making sure everyone who remains unvaccinated gets their shots or heaven forbid, ensure Texans that their power grid won't turn on them again when the weather gets too hot or cold.

Apparently the same thought gripped Dallasite Brandon Friedman as he tried to wrap his head around why Texans needed a promise that their meals had once walked on hooves or chicken feet.

Moss Munchers like Impossible Burgers and Beyond Meat aren't taking this lying down either, and have already challenged laws similar to Buckley's proposal, citing freedom of speech in their legal responses.

As expected, the proposal already has endorsements from multiple livestock companies, as well as the Texas & Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association, the Texas Pork Producers Association and the Texas Poultry Federation.

After all, what would cattle-industry dependent places like Lubbock smell like if they didn't carry the scent of slaughterhouses when the wind direction turns just so? "That," a local rancher once explained with a smile, "is the smell of money, my friend."

And that is really what this is all about. There are a few legislators already on record against the idea, including Democratic State Rep. Gene Wu, who believes its passage would simply mean legal headaches for the state, and GOP State Rep. Kyle Biedermann, who considers the bill overreaching.

Watchful Lone Star lawmakers are always on the lookout for a slippery slope that might have Texans, like Titanic passengers, clawing and clinging for survival. They know all too well the lessons of shows like Little Shop of Horrors. You let alternative foods thrive, and before you know it... well, let's give the late Charlton Heston the last word: "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!"

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