Don’t Hide From Chatty Neighbors, But You Can Deter Them [Block Talk]

There are more polite ways to avoid overly chatty neighbors than hiding behind the bushes — no matter how deep the urge.

That’s just rude, readers told us in an informal survey for Block Talk, Patch’s exclusive neighborhood etiquette column. We asked: When you’re outside doing yard work, how do you stop neighbors from cornering you with long-winded conversations? We wondered, Is it ever OK to hide?

You bet it is, said Ingrid, an Elk Grove (California) Patch reader who spoke for a small minority of respondents. She said she’s caught between “overly familiar and chatty” neighbors and those who are “hostile and uncommunicative.”

Ingrid and her family hid in their house for 10 years before the “neighborhood stalker everyone tried to avoid” took the hint.

“We keep our blinds and curtains closed, don’t answer the doorbell, screen calls, and avoid being outside when certain neighbors are around,” she said.

Ingrid’s stalker neighbor sounds like the woman Bel Air (Maryland) Patch reader Eileen calls the “gossip queen of the street” who also spies on her neighbors.

“I caught her hiding a video camera in her plant pot facing directly into my sun room. I went onto my deck and directly yelled towards the video camera that I caught her,” Eileen said. “Twenty minutes later, her husband removed the camera from the pot which, confirmed I was correct. The next day, I saw her watching me while she was outside and I told her to get a new hobby.”

‘Master Information Seekers’

Westwood-Hillsdale (New Jersey) Patch reader Margaret has some neighbors who are “master information seekers,” too.

“They enjoy learning about the troubles and challenges of people in the neighborhood and then also enjoy disseminating that knowledge to their pipeline,” Margaret told us. “One of their favorite techniques to glean information is to guess the incorrect answers to questions asked in casual conversation so that we can give them the correct information.

“We’ve stood for hours throughout the years listening to all the deaths, illness and suffering of locals, many of whom we don’t know,” she continued. “The irony is that they are private people who don’t share their own information, for which we are honestly grateful.”

Margaret and her family don’t enjoy gossiping or hearing about others’ misfortunes through someone else’s filter. Without actually hiding, Margaret figured out a polite response.

“We’ve learned to set boundaries by smiling, nodding hello and quickly moving onto something in our back yard,” Margaret said. “At first it must have felt like an electric fence but gradually they learned we were just not interested in contributing to their Schadenfreude activity.”

‘Not The Nosey Type’

Several survey respondents said it’s not friendly chatter they object to, but gossip. Shut that stuff down from the start, said Glen Burnie (Maryland) Patch reader Liz.

“If it’s neighborhood gossip and you’re not the nosey type be honest from the beginning and let that neighbor know that you prefer not to engage in that type of conversation because once you do, they’ll make it a point to seek you out whenever they have something juicy to talk about.”

Concord (New Hampshire) Patch reader Sharron concurs. She advises something along the lines of “I’m sorry, I won’t listen to gossip because it’s none of my business!”

“I start with that right away because true or not, it’s nobody’s business, plain and simple,” Sharron said. “You can always clutch your stomach and say, ‘I have to use the bathroom, now!’”

Joliet (Illinois) Patch reader Kathy said she told a “big fat lie” when she saw her long-winded neighbor heading toward her back yard while she and her daughter were in the middle of spring lawn cleanup. Kathy told her daughter she had to go to the bathroom but would be right back.

“I went in the bedroom that faces the back yard and was watching out the window while this lady just talked and talked and talked,” Kathy said. “My daughter saw me looking at the window and mouthed, ‘I’ll get you, my pretty.’ I laughed so hard and then finally I opened the window and said, ‘Shannon come in here. I need your help with something. We laughed until we cried.”

The neighbor finally took the hint and stopped coming around as much.

“I would stand there and talk to her for about 10 minutes and then I would kindly tell her, ‘I would love to sit and chat. We might be able to do that later but right now, I have got to get some things done,’” Kathy said. “It didn’t always work, but most of the time it did.”

Tampa (Florida) Patch reader D closes the door on chattiness before it starts.

“I keep to myself — too much depressing political BS and unimportant, uninteresting talk,” D said.

If Only Neighbors Would Chat

Chatham (New Jersey) Patch reader Bill practically sneered.

“This is a nonexistent problem in Chatham as people avoid any interaction with neighbors at every opportunity, Bill said. “The standard ploy is to pull their phones out as soon as they see someone approaching and then keep their faces focused on them until the unsavory neighbor has safely passed. This seems to be a particular trait of the many ‘Karens’ that now dominate the neighborhoods and are the superior class here.

“Oh, and don’t ever take the initiative by greeting them with a ‘hello,’ ‘good morning’ or the like; you’ll usually be totally ignored or met with their most repugnant look, reminding you that you’ve surely made a huge offense in the local code of conduct.”

‘A Few Minutes Will Not Kill You’

Ché, a Milford (Connecticut) Patch reader, might admonish Bill’s neighbors for being “rotten and rude.”

“A few moments will not kill you,” she said. “One day, it will be you who is in their position — alone, lonely, disabled, ill or mentally ill, or just plain friendly. Treat others the way you want to be treated.”

It’s OK to steer the conversation away from gossip and toward topics that are of mutual interest, Ché said. The neighbor’s interest in prolonged conversations could signal anything from a lack of anyone else to confide in to abuse they’re sustaining, she said.

“When people are alone too long, they talk too much,” Ché said. “When people talk to them more, they listen better, and they also don’t talk so much. This comes especially with aging.

“One day it will be you. It’ll be all of us. So be kind.”

Walnut Creek (California) Patch reader Jacki agrees, with a caveat.

“People who engage in one-way monologues are lonely or depressed and need attention. They can’t be discouraged because they’re suffering,” she said. “It/s kind to listen a few minutes, then say, ‘Excuse me, but I have some things to do.’ A genuine compliment — ‘I like your…’ — while walking away neutralizes the feeling of a snub.

Avoiding them in the future is being kind to yourself. Time is valuable.”

Time To Chat Over Coffee Again

Several other respondents also said it’s just neighborly to stop and chat, even if for just a few minutes.

Chicago Patch reader Dee noted research that suggests Americans have never felt as lonely as they did during and after the coronavirus pandemic.

“Consider whether it would be nicer to talk to a real person or surf the Internet,” Dee said. “ There will someday come a time when you will need a favor from one of your neighbors. Building ties now is smart for that reason, and also just because it’s nice to know the people In your neighborhood.”

“It’s time to get back to idle cups of coffee with neighbors and friends. People just might find a little more happiness if they slow down,” a Newburyport (Massachusetts) Patch reader said. “We have time to spend endless hours a week on our phones and no time for personal interaction?”

Running away from someone is always embarrassing and rude. Saying good morning or saying hello creates a friendly atmosphere,” said Brick (New Jersey) Patch reader DC. “If I’m on my way out or doing something I will say so politely. But it doesn’t hurt to give someone 10 minutes of your time.”

Be Like John Lennon

“I don't mind people who talk too much because I pride myself on being a listener rather than a talker,” said Pete, a Gloucester Township (New Jersey) Patch.

The way he looks at it, chatty neighbors give him a chance to practice what he considers an essential life skill.

“I also try to keep moving along and do my thing if I can or kindly let the person know that I have to get something done. John Lennon once said the best way to deal with fans who approached him on the streets was for him to keep walking with them because the moment you stopped for them or ran away, that’s when the fans had you.”

It’s easy enough to get chatty neighbors to move along, several readers said.

The best way to discourage a talkative neighbor is “decisively,” said East Village (New York) Patch reader Maggie, “but, most importantly, without leaving hurt feelings, as you want to maintain pleasant encounters with neighbors while living on the same block.”

“You’re not obligated to waste your day on someone’s constant chatter,” said Westfield (New Jersey) Patch reader Jay. “You’re not being rude; they are.”

“Try to find an opportunity when you can mention that you are on a tight schedule: You have an appointment or something like that,” said Salem (New Hampshire) Patch reader Maggie. “This then gives you an excuse to cut the conversation short without sounding too rude.”

“Just keep planting the bulbs or raking the grass, empty a bushel of weeds or grass cutting, don’t give them eye contact, then say you have to go inside and check on something,” said Kathy, a Patch reader from York, Maine.

“I chat for a few minutes then I slowly start working on whatever it was I doing before they stopped. They usually move along when they see I've continued with my chores/projects,” said Kingstowne-Rose Hill (Virginia) Patch reader Marie.

About Block Talk

Block Talk is an exclusive Patch series on neighborhood etiquette — and readers provide the answers. If you have a topic you'd like for us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with “Block Talk” as the subject line.

Catch up on Block Talk